What Lies Within

Considering my disdain for science in school,  I am completely in awe of the human body and what lies within.  From the micro cells of early life to the miracle of birth...we are WONDERful! How can you not get excited about  the miracle of life but also, the working machines our bodies are?

To watch a child grow so quickly,  as days, then months go by is amazing!  The velvet, chubby dimpled elbows and folds of the wrist give way to solid toning , then strength and balance. An unconditioned brain signals speech and  "mama and daddy"  spring forth in just a matter of  300 days, or so. Colors and numbers reported clumsily at first, become  words read, and numbers are calculated,  sometimes as a preschooler. A gift, we are blessed with healthy children! Wonder often gives to worry as we ponder the what ifs our children might meet.  We do anything in our power to protect. We are always ON duty.

We spend our time cultivating our children, to grow well and strong. But what about those heroines who tend our  offspring? Who is taking care of MOM?

It occurred to me,  at risk of sounding like a hypochondriac(which I am not) , to see JUST how many diseases beguile our world. I found:

"It is hard to say exactly how many types of diseases there are. As of 2007, there were over 12,000 known diseases. New diseases are discovered all the time, so that number grows rapidly."

http://answers.reference.com/wellness/conditions/how_many_types_of_diseases_are_there

WOW!  and OUCH! That is gonna take a LOT of Bandaids!

I was a working mom of 5 at home, with the oldest being out on her own at  18!  Hardworking and energetic, I suddenly had the proverbial rug pulled out from under me.  A flu. Just the general flu that hit our entire family. And I , (JUST me)  never recovered.   So, when I got sick with this mystery (invisible, meaning no known markers showed disease) illness, over 12 years ago, of course I went to the big "C".  We all do it. We think of the ten or so hard hitters that could escort us to our demise. For me, symptoms signaled Cancer. MS? Maybe Lupus? Possibly a heart defect? AIDS? (no high risks of any kind)  Thyroid Disease and a possible cancerous lesion the size of a Superball had early on pointed to cancer, but was proven by biopsy not.

Answers came more in questions.
Maybe it was all in my head,  maybe a mental health issue?

 A sudden onset within days that stole my life? (They conceded that rather quickly)

What could  rob your strength so thoroughly that I could  no longer toss a ball in our yard to my 4 year old son, or easily retrieve my 18 month old from her crib.  To send me crawling down the steps and balance finished  laundry baskets on my knees, while I reversed the stairs to bring it back up? That a simple shower could make my legs so unsteady and unsure, like a newborn colt trying to take first steps? To make your head feel like a blown up bouncy house and your muscles ache like a Mack truck ran you down? The sounds of a field of crickets chirping in your ears and once well oiled thoughts and words hiding in a shroud of fog?  Lost sleep? Just LOST?

The answer for me was "We don't know".
 It could be  Lyme Disease, as all symptoms matched. But quickly this diagnosis was scratched.  Because it was March and they said was too early for ticks. (even though I had been sick with unusual symptoms reported the previous August but told was probably Thyroid related). Could not be Lyme because we lived in town. (but we actually lived in a country subdivision at the edge of a field where deer had come to our yard and drank from the kiddie pool). Could not be Lyme because I did not have a rash. (but did have a non bullseye rash on my ankle that previous August). And most importantly, the tests "SAID" I did not have Lyme.

So, I  was diagnosed with CFS.

Also called CFIDS; Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome.  A handful of other diseases was ruled out by bloodwork or Neuro testing, sothat was the best explanation. An invisible illness with no treatment and no cure, but just as surely as with any "respectable"  (scientifically proven by bloodwork, MRI, biopsy, etc) disease, it took my living and most of my life away.

I am not here to question if CFS will show its own set of markers one day, as did MS finally did after years of stealthy hidden proof. I can't be sure what lurks within my veins or muscles or bones. But I do know something. I learned to question. For a doctor to give a diagnosis that is  based primarily on elimination of only a dozen or so of 12K of diseases? Should I question "authority"?. I felt timid and scared and below these docs that were oh so educated and all knowing.  I listened. Never questioned. Did as I was told. For over 5 years.

I have found my voice now. This is the ONLY body I have been given. I have the right to ask. To bring info forward. To fight for testing and answers. And in doing so I found I did/do have Lyme disease and at least 1 co-infection.  The markers were there all the time. Just in lower form.  Testing for tickborne diseases is tricky, outdated and unreliable. Political debates and WAR has sprung forth from a disease that was considered easy to treat. Left untreated or under-treated, Lyme leaves many "undone". What lies within can seriously destroy you.

So moms,  when you are feeling the "typical" MOMitis, when your roller-coaster life never stops, you fall into bed exhausted and 6 hours later you're up to do it all over again... KNOW that you will be tired. Remember to take care of YOU so you can take care of them. And, if your intuition tells you that something is not right, pretend you are going to bat for your CHILD! Question. Listen. Read and educate. You know what your body is telling you,  better than any doctor.  Be proactive and not suffer in silence.  You are responsible for the one life gifted to you!  From the beginning of one cell, to the dust at life's end, it is a WONDERfilled, amazing gift!

Sleep in Heavenly Peace?

Since age 12 , sleep has eluded me. Family strife and frightening events had me clutching to every last stream of daylight come bedtime.  Where light receded, darkness filled every hole. Insecure, I became bathed in darkness and the fear that comes with what you cannot see or know. 

Along came teenage years with  freedom found and schedule so full I slumped onto my pillow well into the next day,  and fears were shelved for another day.  Sports, jobs, dating and fun with family and friends filled every moment. Sleep came but not nearly enough of it. 

Marriage and family came next, including little angels with devilish schedules and again, sleep was in short supply. Night time nursing and nightmares (both little one's AND mine too).

Along the years came a heated divorce and family stress...much more than any person could handle. It was the first of many nights watching the cogs turn in my head and not able to turn off the mind machine. Sleep escaped even more.  

A move, with a three kids in tow,  I went back to  school,  with long hours studying to make the grades. My health took a hit with so much heartache. 
Work, a remarriage and blended family. Teenage years with the usual worries and again...I stared at the ceiling in darkness while numbers flipped endlessly on the clock.  Blessings of babies but so much woe that the treasure of sleepy time was rare.  

Again, our family dismantled  for "greener pastures" ,  and now I was in charge of many souls...slumber is  low on the list.  Then turns a new day...confident and head held high, a renewal of strength was born,  but there were  just not enough hours in the day. No play!

FINALLY  when the gods beheld a break in darkness,  forgiveness springs,  security  and self worth  rekindled...life was good! But with  joy and fun and giggles WAY too much to sleep. Tiny miracle and testament of our new trust, number 6 arrives to care and share at night...one last blessing to bring from infant tenderness to toddler.  Work steals time and night is best well spent in never ending catch up chores. A mother's work is never done.

Then,  a monster comes in the night. All the terror ever known is bestowed upon a broken body.  As toddlers turn to teens, years unfold and they have never known the REAL mom.

 Exhausted. Ill. Never to be me again. Insomniac circles.  Breaks down the body, mind, and soul. I'm old.  Over fifty now, with regrets and pained with  frustration when the cures won't come. But,  I finally have learned:
That time is time no MATTER when,  you use it when you can. So if at dusk or dawn you live,  the BEST of days aren't always planned. 
Grab every chance to  spend the late, and giggle with a child, or pray or read, make friends out there, play games. 
The dark is only darkness  if YOU put out  the lights...those outside OR within you.  Put guilt aside and do not hide. Your best of life remains. 
Remember, darkness sometimes calms the soul can surely be your friend.