Sleep in Heavenly Peace?

Since age 12 , sleep has eluded me. Family strife and frightening events had me clutching to every last stream of daylight come bedtime.  Where light receded, darkness filled every hole. Insecure, I became bathed in darkness and the fear that comes with what you cannot see or know. 

Along came teenage years with  freedom found and schedule so full I slumped onto my pillow well into the next day,  and fears were shelved for another day.  Sports, jobs, dating and fun with family and friends filled every moment. Sleep came but not nearly enough of it. 

Marriage and family came next, including little angels with devilish schedules and again, sleep was in short supply. Night time nursing and nightmares (both little one's AND mine too).

Along the years came a heated divorce and family stress...much more than any person could handle. It was the first of many nights watching the cogs turn in my head and not able to turn off the mind machine. Sleep escaped even more.  

A move, with a three kids in tow,  I went back to  school,  with long hours studying to make the grades. My health took a hit with so much heartache. 
Work, a remarriage and blended family. Teenage years with the usual worries and again...I stared at the ceiling in darkness while numbers flipped endlessly on the clock.  Blessings of babies but so much woe that the treasure of sleepy time was rare.  

Again, our family dismantled  for "greener pastures" ,  and now I was in charge of many souls...slumber is  low on the list.  Then turns a new day...confident and head held high, a renewal of strength was born,  but there were  just not enough hours in the day. No play!

FINALLY  when the gods beheld a break in darkness,  forgiveness springs,  security  and self worth  rekindled...life was good! But with  joy and fun and giggles WAY too much to sleep. Tiny miracle and testament of our new trust, number 6 arrives to care and share at night...one last blessing to bring from infant tenderness to toddler.  Work steals time and night is best well spent in never ending catch up chores. A mother's work is never done.

Then,  a monster comes in the night. All the terror ever known is bestowed upon a broken body.  As toddlers turn to teens, years unfold and they have never known the REAL mom.

 Exhausted. Ill. Never to be me again. Insomniac circles.  Breaks down the body, mind, and soul. I'm old.  Over fifty now, with regrets and pained with  frustration when the cures won't come. But,  I finally have learned:
That time is time no MATTER when,  you use it when you can. So if at dusk or dawn you live,  the BEST of days aren't always planned. 
Grab every chance to  spend the late, and giggle with a child, or pray or read, make friends out there, play games. 
The dark is only darkness  if YOU put out  the lights...those outside OR within you.  Put guilt aside and do not hide. Your best of life remains. 
Remember, darkness sometimes calms the soul can surely be your friend.